Spam The Torpedoes - [Matthew]

Spam: The Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet.

Every time I check my e-mail, there they are:
“You May Be A Guaranteed Cash Prize Winner!”
“You May Have Won A New Car!”
“You May Be The Long Lost Heir of King Mansa Musa!”

I thought of likening spam to the bubonic plague, but they eventually found a cure for the bubonic plague.

Of course, there are several good anti-spam programs available. And sure, there are several groups lobbying for anti-spam legislation. But let’s face it, in our heart of hearts, we don’t want reform.

We want revenge.

So I want you to get up now. I want you to get out of your chairs and go to the window. Right now. I want you to go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell. I want you to yell: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!"

Whew! Feel better? Good. Now, onto the comeuppance. Simply choose the appropriate response below, then get ready to copy-paste-and-reply some well-deserved payback.


Spam Subject: Porn websites

Today in my e-mail I received a special invitation to “the best adult entertainment on the web,” the Free Teen SlutFest. The title is pure genius: intriguing, yet understated. Almost as intriguing and understated as this sample response.

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To: cindee@youwontreallygoblind.com
RE: count me in!

Thanks for the memo about the Free Teen SlutFest. I’m definitely interested in participating, depending on where it's to be held. I am an amateur clown/balloon artist, and since it's common to have such a person at festivals, I thought I'd offer my services. I look forward to turning 'pro', and figured I wouldn't get to share my art until then. Imagine my excitement when I learned your festival actually features amateurs! To date, I've learned to make balloons in the shape of a giraffe, a flower, and a bowtie. Let me know if this will help.

I know the Free Teen SlutFest will be a magical time for everyone and I can't wait to participate.

Most sincerely,


Marty C. Trotwaller


Spam Subject: Chain Letter

I know you’ve gotten these: “This is a chain letter. You must not break it. It was begun forty-five years ago as the dying wish of a blind, deaf, and mute Ethiopian orphan and will soon be in the Guinness’ Book of World Records.”

Now, assembling the appropriate response is as easy as taking a multiple-choice test.

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To: supposedfriend@mushforbrains.com
RE: your chain letter

This message is being sent to you because:
A. You’re a good friend
B. I want to return the good luck you’ve sent my way
C. I can’t forward a pipe bomb

If you forward this message to at least twenty-five people you will:
A. Have good luck
B. Get your wish
C. Confirm my suspicion that, while you may have the social sensibilities of a piece of barnacle, you lack the barnacle’s capacity for critical thinking.

Please don’t delete this message. If you do:
A. You won’t get your wish
B. The letter will be broken
C. All meaning in my forwarding-happy existence will evaporate (oh wait, that’s not me, that’s you).

PS: Along with this reply, I’m attaching a little something called the E(mail)Bola Virus. By the time you read this line, it will have consumed your entire e-mail list. Maybe next time we can be a grownup and use our brain when we e-mail, hmm?


Spam Subject: Free Trips

This is a great one. The grabber headline is something like ‘Stay Free* at Hotel X!’ But once you read the fine print, you’ll find that that asterisk is actually an industrial-strength, stainless steel fishhook, ready to gig the unsuspecting netizen.

However, as you’ll see in this response, maybe the spammers should have spent more time exploring their target demographic.

(And FYI: I’ve stayed at Hotel X. They don’t even have HBO.)

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To: doyounotthinkIhaveanyintelligence@all.com
RE: Can’t wait

Dear Sir or Madam:

I’m writing to confirm my reservation in your Stay* For Free* Deal* (*). As I understand it, to claim my free two-night stay at one of your resorts, I’m merely required to:

-Eat at least eight meals at one of your in-hotel restaurants.

-Tip housekeeping the suggested $75. Per night.

-Attend a special VIP screening of The Exciting World of Timeshare: The Director’s Cut.

-And in the event a gentleman named El Camino stops by during the night and asks me to hold a package for him, I’m to take the package and remain in the hotel room til he, or an associate, returns for it in the morning. I must not ask any questions. I will know the person is El Camino, because El Camino will be the one carrying a package with him.

For these small concessions, I have my choice of accommodations: the Gett Lucky Inn, Rancho Cerveza Motor Lodge, or Eldenville Youth Hostel.

This is certainly a good deal. One I feel confident in passing on to my clients. I look forward to my visit.

Yours,


Phil Hoskins
Mobile Livestock Surgery, Inc.

PS: What color are the carpets in your establishments? Just wondering.


Spam Subject: General Purpose

Potential spam subjects multiply faster than rabbits on Spanish Fly, so be sure you have this all-purpose response in your arsenal.

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sirs

cant typ much im quadrplgic only typ by hlding pncil n teeth dont lke spam takes to mch time to read ples dnt send any more thx ps ths took me two hrs to typ


Spam Subject: Home-based business opportunities

Killing natives and taking their land, subjugating a race into slavery, telemarketing… Preying on the weak and vulnerable is as American as apple pie.

And with the internet in more economically diverse homes than ever before, suckers can be had quicker than you can say “Drop the turkey and eat lead, Squanto.”

Next time you get an ‘investment opportunity’ spam, fire this baby off and give them a much-needed moment of pause.

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To: randy@homebusinessnowonlinetodaynet.com
Cc: fraud@ftc.gov
RE: Home business opportunity

Hi Randy,

Marsha Vickers here. Just wanted to tell you how anxious I am to start working on the assembly project as advertised in your e-mail.

You’ll notice I typed ‘opportunity’ in the subject line instead of ‘opportutiny’ as spelled in your solicitation. I do hope we’re talking about the same thing.

Don’t worry. It will take more than seven spelling and grammar errors to shake my confidence in a company with a logo as sharp as yours. I know my initial investment of $49.99 plus $7.95 S+H and $10.00 activation fee will be well spent.

Since Hank died, it’s sure been hard raising these three kids. I’m so glad someone like you, the ‘Presdent and CE0’ of a major internet corporation, is working to create opportunities for folks on a tight budget like me.

I’ll give you a call later this week to confirm my order. So you know, I’m hard of hearing, so please speak loudly and clearly. Also, if you hear intermittent clicks, it’s just that we have an old phone.

You are certainly a bona fide entrepreneur. I’m sure we will soon see your story on 20/20 or Dateline. ;)

Carpe diem and caveat emptor,

Marsha Vickers

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If you enjoyed this article, feel free to copy and forward it to your friends. Lots of them. Anonymously. And ask them to forward it, too. It's time to get the word out about the dangers of spam.

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