Some New Shit (Part 1) – [Erik]

In my last entry I talked about the comfort that comes from knowing (God imparted knowing) that one day the veil will be lifted. Quite a bit has happened since I wrote that in June of 2004.

I have been in love with the end for as long as I can remember. I believe that every one of my addictions are about death…measured, slow, and consistent self-destruction. Along with that, I've habitually asked God to kill me. I don’t think my head has rested on a pillow (evening or morning) without thoughts of death running through it…unless of course I was drunk or high. Then the thoughts are postponed until I wake up, but then they’re just intensified.

Pop-christianity hasn’t helped at all. In fact it’s made it worse. Every “gospel presentation” I’ve ever heard contains some version of the question, “Do you know where you’ll spend eternity when you die?” Nobody ever tells you about how to live. So we know where we’re going, but we also know life sucks…we watch the news, our parents die when we’re five, and we are well acquainted with loneliness. We ask about pain and we’re told that crap about, “The retirement plan being out of this world.” We’re told that one day He’ll wipe away the tears from our eyes. We’re told that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for us and that streets of gold and pearly gates are part of some future parting gift.

All of this talk about the afterlife has just made me want to get it over with and on to the good stuff. I’m not alone here. I see all these people that become Christians asking, “What now?”

There are of course many who step in to attempt an answer (usually with some agenda – even if they are sincere). “Go to church.” “Read my book.” “Stop jerking off.” “Start praying.” “Read the Bible.” “Give me some money…I mean…sow a seed into the Kingdom.” “Stop drinking.” “Stop smoking.” “Start being a good husband/wife.” “Attend my conference.” “Have family devotions.” “Have personal devotions.” “Get involved with our program.” “Start a Bible study.” “Start serving.” “Stop asking so many questions.”

It goes on and on. I think of this as pagan christianity. The message is basically, “Try harder.” If you do such and such, God will bless you with a good life…but more importantly, He’ll gladly let you into heaven when you die trying.

Then there are the grace teachers. When asked how to live, they tell you that God loves and accepts you without any hesitation or condition…even if you stop trying. This is comforting after having bought all that bullshit from the pagan christians, but it still doesn’t answer the question, “How do I live?” The message is basically, “Let go.” You’re left with a sovereign God (code for it doesn’t matter what you do) that will let you into heaven, and all you have to do is believe it’s true based on Jesus’ death on the cross.

There’s death again. Ask any Christian why Jesus came and they’ll tell you that He came to die for our sins…still no mention of life.

So, after having run the course with the pagan christians, and getting stuck in the cul-de-sac of near meaninglessness with the grace teachers, I was left posting through sobs all that stuff about God lifting the veil. Given my preoccupation with death and my cultural milieu, I thought He meant that I would get the goods when it’s all over and that I should just hang on. I was wrong.

To be continued.