Some Old Shit - [Erik]

"The journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it...white shores...and beyond a far green country under a swift sunrise."

-Gandalf


Last Saturday's program provided one of the most stressful situations I've ever been blessed to endure. Steve was on the road and feeding us a signal from the mountains of northern California. The audio quality wasn't what I had hoped for. More than that, I spent the two hours under the cloud of fear that we would lose that precious crappy connection to the host of the show. What's more than that, I had no ability to give visual cues to Steve as I ran a pre-recorded interview. Add that to the normal pressure of being a perfectionist, hitting all of the network's hard breaks, talking on the air, and running the production and comedy bits, and you're on your way to ulcer city.

I tell you all of this to give you a sense of the amount of adrenaline that was coursing through me as I headed home at 12:30 in the morning. I couldn't calm down.

I paced the house when I got home. I woke up my wife to tell her I was freaking out. She mumbled and I went back to pacing. I finished off a bottle of wine. I paced some more. I read the message boards to see if anyone commented on the show. After a fruitless search, I went to check on the girls. I wished they were awake to tell me that they love me or to ask me to sleep in their room.

I went back to my room and tried to go to sleep as I bottomed out after my fierce adrenaline high. I began to get severely depressed.

I laid there and asked God what the hell I was doing. Why am I subjecting myself to this? Why put myself in a situation where I have to face my worst fears every Saturday night?

I felt naked and exposed, like the giant "ass judge" gave the order to once again tear down the wall.

I asked God to calm me, but no peace came. I asked Him if He was pleased with my work...no assurance. I asked Him if He loves me no matter what. I listened, but heard nothing but the frogs singing a song to the wet sidewalks.

I told Him that if I could hear Him say it once, it would be enough. I would be able to hold on to the memory of those words and get through anything.

I waited and begged and waited some more, but He didn't speak.

So I asked Him to kill me. I chanted the request like a mantra until I fell asleep.

I woke up like I usually do, with the kids crawling into our bed around 6:30 in the morning. I looked over at Paisley and I started to cry. The crack gave way to a flood of tears that began to wash away what was left of my wall. I seriously could not stop.

I blubbered as I tried to explain to Paise what I've told you, but there was no reason to it. I was coming unglued.

I needed to hear from God, and He still hadn't spoke. Paisley told me that she would take the girls with her up to our community center if I wanted some time alone to continue my freak out. I told her that I didn't think He was going to show and that she could leave the girls and go do her workout.

As she got ready I went out to the trunk of my car to get my Keith Green CDs. Whenever I get desperate enough, I'll plug these CDs into the player and hope that God touches me the way He did when I first heard them in the miserable early days of my Christianity. It doesn't always work, and the longer I'm a Christian the less I like Keith Green, but like I said...I was desperate.

Paisley left me with the girls. I flipped through the cuts that usually help me to feel like God is near without much success. Then I came to "When I Hear the Praises Start."

My son, My son, why are you striving
You can't add one thing to what's been done for you
I did it all while I was dying
Rest in your faith, my peace will come to you

For when I hear the praises start
I want to rain upon you
Blessings that will fill your heart
I see no stain upon you
Because you are my child and you know me
To Me you're only holy
Nothing that you've done remains
Only what you do for Me

I picked up my girls and started to dance with them. Usually we spin and giggle to Bob Marley or Peter Gabriel, but this time I just held them close as the tears poured out of my swollen eyes and I sang between snotty staccato gasps for air.

My child, My child, why are you weeping
You will not have to wait forever
That day and that hour is in My keeping
The day I'll bring you into Heaven

For when I hear the praises start
My child, I want to rain upon you
Blessing that will fill your heart
I see no stain upon you
Because you are My child and you know me
To me you're only holy
Nothing that you've done remains
Only what you do in Me

I thought about my children and I thought about me and God. My heart broke with love as He finally spoke.

"I could use cheap words if I had too. But lungs, lips, tongues and teeth are crude...I am Spirit. Your ways are not My ways. I desire communion, not just communication. I desire that we become One."

My precious bride, the day is nearing
When I'll take you in My arms and hold you
I know there are so many things that you've been hearing
But you just hold on to what I have told you

For when I hear the praises start
My bride, I want to rain upon you
Blessings that will fill your heart
I see no stain upon you
Because you are My child, and you know Me
To me you're only holy
Nothing that you've done will remain
Only what you do for me

An image was burned into my mind, the image of the Groom seen through our veil. Then scriptures flooded my mind as the tears continued to flood my eyes.

1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see in a glass, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

1 John 3:2 Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

I long to see Him clearly, but the veil of this life allows us only shape and shadowed color. It's hard sometimes and I just want to rest. I want Him to sit and talk with me face to face the way He did with Moses. But that is for another time, a time when the grey rain curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver glass.

What's more, He called Moses friend, but He calls us His wife...beloved. On that day we won't merely see Him...the veil will be lifted and we will be seen...a radiant bride, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.

We will be one with Him and I don't believe words will be necessary.

Now I am just tired, but I have hope.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.