From Russia With Love - [Matthew]
Wow, if you folks using eharmony.com thought things were tough here, apparently Russia is outsourcing lonely hearts. Just check out the e-mail I got this morning..."Hello my hope!
I am not sure you get this message but if you got I want you to know that I want to travel to your country to work in two weeks and I just want to meet right man.
I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. if you have not wife or girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet? I am 25 years old, I will tell you more about me and send you a picture when you reply. Please write to me directly to my mail- eliz@realmeet.info
Email I am writing from right now is not mine. Make sure you write to my personal address.
See you soon"
Well, obviously this young lady was in some kind of tough spot over there in Russia, so I had to respond immediately...
"Hello Russian Lady,
As it turns out, I traveled to your country this year, so I happen to know that Russia is home to some of the world's prettiest girls.
Well, I'll cut straight to the chase... there's good news and bad news. Bad news (in a sense) is that I am happily married. However (the good news), my wife is a very understanding woman, so I will ask if perhaps you can come to visit us. We have a guest room and my wife is a great cook. What fun we'll have playing Trivial Pursuit and drinking hot chocolate.
If this arrangement is acceptable, please respond right away and let me know and I will broach the subject with my wife at dinner tonight.
Best American regards,
Matthew Porter"
[end ping]
posted by Etcetera at 9:33 AM
16 Comments:
Now that's funny stuff.
Wow! haha! I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about that! You'll, ah, have to let us know how that turns out! ;)
Guys, you have got to check out 419eaters.
Just. Dang.
Perhaps Sharon can read that letter in her sexiest Russian accent on this week's show. There's fifty bucks in it for the village people.
Or how about doing the "Perform, Monkey!" in your best Russian KGB female interrogator voice, Sharon? I'll bet that would sound a lot like Natasha from Bullwinkle. "Furst ve dance, zen ve shoot moose and sqvurille..."
Matthew, is this because you subscribed to Esquire? Are Russian girls simply more swag?
She'll arrive off the plane from Moscow with a bunch of endorsement stickers on her kokoshnik.
Wow, Zeke, I have been doing the 419eaters thing for 5+ years, but I had no idea somebody had come along and given it an actual name. Check out ' Spam The Torpedoes', early on in the [ping] blog. Firing back to spammers with outrageous replies is what inspired that piece.
Sharon, I don't know what a 'kokoshnik' is, but if the Russkie lass shakes it while my wife's around, my wife will kick her 'kokoshnik'.
Yo Matt,
Get that on video and there's another fifty.
Dorsey,
You kick ass. I wish I had your lines. Seriously...impeccable.
e.
It's the drugs.
As one witty riposte man to another, I too salute the Dorse. He's got the touch, fo' sho'.
...but enough about me...
what do YOU think of me?
Smashing! I'm feeling inspired...
Dorsey, of ripostes
His supply never ceases!
Like leaves in the fall.
That last line is a sop to Erik and his whole "Haikus are supposed to be about nature!" marrow-minded legalistic trip.
SEASONS! I never said nature. THEY SHOULD MENTION A SEASON!
P.S. What’s a “sop?”
Seasons, nature, whatever.
sop: Something yielded to placate or soothe.
Love ya, man. Learn something new every day, eh?
:)
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