From Russia With Love - [Matthew]

Wow, if you folks using eharmony.com thought things were tough here, apparently Russia is outsourcing lonely hearts. Just check out the e-mail I got this morning...

"Hello my hope!

I am not sure you get this message but if you got I want you to know that I want to travel to your country to work in two weeks and I just want to meet right man.

I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. if you have not wife or girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet? I am 25 years old, I will tell you more about me and send you a picture when you reply. Please write to me directly to my mail- eliz@realmeet.info

Email I am writing from right now is not mine. Make sure you write to my personal address.

See you soon"

Well, obviously this young lady was in some kind of tough spot over there in Russia, so I had to respond immediately...

"Hello Russian Lady,

As it turns out, I traveled to your country this year, so I happen to know that Russia is home to some of the world's prettiest girls.

Well, I'll cut straight to the chase... there's good news and bad news. Bad news (in a sense) is that I am happily married. However (the good news), my wife is a very understanding woman, so I will ask if perhaps you can come to visit us. We have a guest room and my wife is a great cook. What fun we'll have playing Trivial Pursuit and drinking hot chocolate.

If this arrangement is acceptable, please respond right away and let me know and I will broach the subject with my wife at dinner tonight.

Best American regards,

Matthew Porter"


[end ping]

Who's Your Daddy? - [Etcetera]

Bound, bound, bound and rebound. Today's show had a nice vibe, less manic plus good conversation. Click here to bounce wit us, bounce wit us.

Don't forget, you can subscribe to the podcast. It's free, it's automatic, and it's private. We promise not to tell anyone you're associated with us.

Etcetera @ The Movies: Shopgirl - [Matthew]

Steve Martin first ventured into the literary world with 1997’s Picasso at the Lapin Agile, a play. Not surprising perhaps that his new film Shopgirl, based on his 2000 novella of the same name, is also human-sized and unfolds with the unhurried pace of drama taking place in just a few locations.

Mirabelle Butterfield (played by a nigh-on-gaunt Claire Danes), lonely in her late 20s, sells ladies’ evening gloves in a remote corner of Sak’s Fifth Avenue in Los Angeles. While sitting in a Laundromat, she meets Jeremy (Jason Schwartzman), an endearing cheapskate slacker with dreams of turning the guitar amplifier world upside down by making amps “cool, like Macs.”

Their first date begins and ends awkwardly, but days later Mirabelle, still desperate for comfort and completion, calls up Jeremy who drops by her apartment for what ends up being clumsy and sad sex. To her dismay, Mirabelle still finds herself lacking the fulfillment she longs for.

Shortly thereafter, successful and debonair 60-something Ray Porter (Steve Martin) enters the glove department and begins wooing the lonely Mirabelle. Though cautious, she falls in love with him and lets herself enjoy the expensive gifts he showers on her. But what is their relationship about? Where is it going? Each of them has a different idea and this conflict serves as the driving force of the story’s drama.

In the end, Shopgirl is a film about relationships (though not a chick flick), illustrating how the mistakes made and wrongs suffered in one relationship can actually prepare you for the next, better one. And if you think that that premise wouldn’t provide the slam-bang edge-of-your-seat thrills of a Michael Bay A.D.D. fantasy, you’re right.

Director Anand Tucker (Hilary and Jackie) provides confident direction and beautiful shots, especially of Ray’s home in Seattle. Tucker also incorporates a stunning CG sequence that’s both jaw-dropping and perfectly fits as a metaphor into the story, not standing out like some kind of ‘look at me’ stunt. I won’t ruin it for you, but wow.

The script (adapted by Martin himself) manages to use L.A. as a backdrop while avoiding insider jokes and commentary about the city and the industry, a’la L.A. Story. The humor woven throughout is subtle and avoids going for the easy laugh. For reasons unexplained, Martin himself provides a brief third-person omniscient voice over at the beginning and end. Both unnecessary and confusing. Whether the pace is slow or unhurried, you’ll have to decide for yourself.

As with his novel "The Pleasure of My Company", Martin shows his knack for pulling together an ending that’s unexpected, yet satisfying, sweet and romantic, but not sappy or contrived.

If you have the patience for a thoughtful, somewhat heavy, drama with splashes of quirky and tender comedy, it may be worth getting to know Shopgirl.

* * * 1/2 (out of 5)

Rated ‘R’ for some sexual content and brief language.
Running time: 107 min
Opens Nationwide Friday, November 4th

Etcetera Gone Wild - [Etcetera]

I submit for your approval (drum roll)...today's show. Click here to listen. And subscribe to the podcast to get the show delivered fresh each week.

Done Bitchin’ – [Erik]

I’m done bitchin’. Christians are full of shit, the church is a mess, and I don’t fit in cause I’m so much better than all of those hypocrites. These are all givens in this equation and I’m sick of bitching about the givens. These are the conditions. They just are.


There are of course other givens that get less air time, givens like:

- The Father loves us and accepts us just as we are without condition or reservation (despite our high view of ourselves and low view of our brothers and sisters).
- The Spirit of His Son is in fact in us and living through us as us.
- We have the words of Eternal Life and the ability to manifest that Life here and now.
- And even if we don’t do jack with any of this and would rather get high, God is just flat out passionately in love with us and likes spending time with His kids.

It goes on and on. If this isn’t your experience so far, I can suggest a few good books (and a few good scotches).

Anyway, this is what I have to work with, it’s time for me to deal, and I would love for you to join me.

From time to time we Etcetera people get comments like, “Listening to your show is like hanging out with my friends from college” or, “I so want a group of friends like you guys where I live, but I’m stuck here alone in this nothing-happening-town.”

We are flattered. We enjoy each other immensely and we’re glad and encouraged that you enjoy us enjoying each other. Plus, we’ve loved getting to know you guys who call in. What’s more, reading your blogs and e-mails has let us know that we are not alone in being alone.

However, the internet/show thing has its limitations, college is a fuzzy memory for most of us, and we live where we live…more givens.

That leads us back to the equation. For most of us there is an unknown. Let’s call the unknown “X.” X is what’s missing. We suspect that it exists because we hunger for it. Like Lewis said, people who live in a world with no water don’t thirst. We read the stories about the way God moved in the past, we read the Scriptures and they validate our desire. We go to church and it’s not all that bad, but damn it…where’s X and why don’t these other people notice it’s not here? We wonder if we’re crazy. We wonder if X even exists. Maybe we dreamed it all up. We wonder if we are the problem.

And away we go and away we go.

One day, some wandering and wondering friends get together and say, “What the hell man? This just ain’t cutting it.” The bitchin’ commences as they get together and have some drinks. They tell each other stories about being alone in the wilderness. They talk about where they’ve been…what they’ve seen. They know they don’t fit. They know the others wouldn’t approve, but they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness and it’s better than drinking alone (nod to Billy Joel).

Time passes. The pain of uncontrollable tears and laughter are shared. Then the realization…

X has been with us since we took shelter from the cold and poured the first drink. Wow.

Then the next realization…

We need a podcast.

I think that’s how it went. Maybe someone will correct my interpretation of the facts. Anyway, here we are and here you are and I submit that what you like about us is X. But listening to it and calling in and talking about ain’t it. I would also submit that regardless of what lame-ass town you live in, there are other people there that want X too.

From time to time on Etcetera, I’ve decided that we’ll be talking about something that I’m really hesitant to bring up. But in the hope that it will help you experience X I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and let it fly.

Here are the bones of the idea.

We (Etcetera folks and others in the area) used to get together on the first weekend of every month. We would take a simple meal. Add some of us who liked to bang on drums. Add others who played guitar or something else. Add a few who prayed intensely. Add others who read or wrote pieces they wanted to share. Add some who wanted to help out people in the area. We threw it all together at the same time to see what would come out and it all equaled X.

I was talking to Andrew the other day about getting together around something other than Shochu. One thing led to another and I decided to start the first weekend of every month thing again.

You may be wondering what the hell all of this has to do with anything. Well, basically…and this is the part I’ve really been fighting bringing up to all of you guys…

How would you like to join us?

How would you like to get together with a few like-minded-misfit-friends in your area on the first weekend of every month and see what happens? Maybe you’ll have a meal and talk about spiritual stuff. Maybe you’ll pray. Maybe you can jam. Maybe you can all discuss a book you’ve been reading. Maybe you want to go out to a bar and have some drinks. Maybe you still have some bitchin’ to do. Maybe you’ll be the only Christian there. Maybe you aren’t a Christian.

Whatever it is you and your friends bring to the table, all I suggest is that…

1. You consistently get together on the first weekend of every month and enjoy God in and through each other.

2. You come up with a solid way to help out one of the other friends between meetings (or maybe a neighbor if you’re all pretty stable).

If you want to do this, I’ve set up some forums where we (us, you, our friends and your friends) can share our experiences and post needs that the international community can meet. Email me at erikjguzman@yahoo.com and I’ll let you know where to go. In addition to the forums, we can all hook up on Etcetera and we can talk about this once in a while.

Maybe one day we’ll start a once a year get together and we'll all hook up and really party. Then again, this may all just exist in my imagination. I’m cool with that.

But I don’t want you to think I’m trying to start a church or a cult or anything. I don’t want any money and I certainly don’t want to lead or control anything (I just don’t need that kind of responsibility). Keep going to church…I don’t care. But for some, this will be the only meeting with other Christians they can stomach, and that’s better than nothing.

Whatever all this is, one thing is clear. I’m done bitchin’ and I’m ready to add up all of the givens, take what has developed so far, do the math, and pray that it all equals X at your house too. And maybe one day, those around us will know we are Xtians by our love for one another.

[ping]

Versus: Animal Extinction [Sharon + Matthew]

We’re pee-our-pants excited to bring you a brand new segment called ‘Versus.’ This recurring section will feature contrasting (man, is that an understatement) POV’s from your favorite 'Etc.' hosts.

After reading, be sure to tag-team in and post your thoughts in this ideological no-holds-barred, Texas-style, steel cage death match. Today, Sharon vs. Matthew, squaring off on Animal Extinction...

The Jenga Effect - [Sharon]

The animal kingdom is a powerful, diverse, incredible world where such a vast display of God’s creativity is offered, it continually astounds anyone who takes the time to notice it. Unfortunately, this diverse world is being whittled away, year by year, at a speed that most people would be shocked to discover.

When complete and total extinction of a species occurs, it is just that: COMPLETE AND TOTAL. And when the word species is used, it also means just that: AN ENTIRE SPECIES. Not just one family of big cats. Not just one pod of whales. It means that an entire type of animal is gone from the earth, never to be viewed or studied again.

The rate of extinction has been increasing exponentially since the year 1600 AD. Dr. Norman Myers, a British ecologist warns that during the next 25 years, if things continue at the rate they are, we can expect to lose anywhere from 1000 species per year minimum, to a maximum of 100 species of plants and animals PER DAY. This means that people alive in the year 2015 will have witnessed the extinction of possibly one million living things. This kind of rapid extinction has never before happened in earth’s recorded history. Imagine a world without tigers. Imagine trying to explain to your children and grandchildren why these beautiful animals no longer exist, although they most certainly did in your lifetime.

Now, I understand the need for some animal species to end. As we can all imagine, the dinosaurs were of another era, and would not have a place in this day and time. This is why I believe God allowed them to perish in the flood.

However, the vast majority of extinctions on this planet are the direct result of the greed of human beings. Throughout history, records show that following the humans’ movement to new landmasses, a wave of extinctions occurred. These are of course due to over-hunting, as well as habitat destruction, and humans consuming all these animal’s natural resources.

Why is this terrible? Why should people be more concerned about it? I look at it like a game of Jenga. For those of you who don’t know, Jenga is a game where many wooden pieces stack on each other. As the game goes on, one piece at a time is removed. Finally, the entire tower crumbles. It simply cannot stand without its pieces which make it a whole. The animal kingdom is exactly like this. Each species depends on the other. The word symbiosis in the dictionary says: The living together in more or less intimate association or close union of two dissimilar organisms as a mutually beneficial relationship: mutualism. A cooperative relationship between groups. This is what our ecosystem does. Different species depend on each other to survive. Start removing one at a time, piece by piece, and it is assured that the entire system will suffer irreparable damage, and begin to collapse.

If you still think this doesn’t apply to you, and you don’t need to care, consider this: MANY, MANY of these animal species are vital to YOUR way of life. Humans depend on different animal species in more ways than most people recognize. Only one example is the flying fox, a type of fruit bat. Old World tropical plants owe their survival to the fruit bat for seed dispersal and pollination. These “bat plants” provide over 450 different uses for humans, including fruits for food, kapok fiber, charcoal, and medicines. In West Africa, a particular flying fox disperses seeds of the iroko tree, which is the basis of a $100-million a year industry.

And finally, if you STILL don’t think this applies to you, then maybe the Bible will make some sense of it. In Genesis 1:26 & 28, God told Adam and Eve to “have dominion over” the earth, and also said to “replenish” it. The Hebrew word for dominion is:

“Radhah”: to rule or have dominion. To take possession of, as honey from a hive (Judges 14:9). Word used for taking bread out of an oven.

And the word replenish is: Male’: To fill. Accomplish. Refers to placement of an object in a receptacle, whether literally or figuratively. Depicts an act of replenishment.

Now for those of you who want to say that God was only speaking here of filling the earth with more and more humans, think about why then He would have used the word RE-plenish. There had never been humans before, right? So they would not be RE-plenishing the earth with them. Instead, it seems clear that God probably meant to put back what we take from the earth. This is where humans have become so faulty. We take, but do not give back. And entire species of animals, and therefore our entire ecosystem, is suffering because of it.

If you need more Scripture, try Genesis 2:15, where God tells Adam to “dress” and “keep” the Garden. Now, forgive me, but I believe this goes for the earth as well. Not just the Garden of Eden which does not exist anymore...The Hebrew word dress is:

`Avadh: to serve, work, toil.

And to keep is:

Shamar: To keep, guard, keep safe, preserve, protect, watch, retain. To carefully tend.

I do not think God ever intended for us to push certain species of His creation to extinction. I do not think it has to be this way. I believe that if we as humans learned to take care of the earth God has given us, we would glean blessings in areas we have never even dreamed of. I believe the creation would stop crying out as if in birth pangs (Romans 8:22), and our quality of life would be much, much better as we try to get by day after day in this temporary home of ours.

If God wants to end certain species, that’s His prerogative. But who are we to play God? Even if it is only through ignorance, or apathy.


Extinction Gets A Bad Rap – [Matthew]

Think extinction is a bad thing? I got one word for you: dinosaurs. Yeah, consider the potential impact of a 70-ton Brachiosaurus on your morning commute.

Sure, the dinosaur was cool when it was around, but so was the Rubik’s Cube. As thinking adults, I think we can agree that when it comes to dinosaurs, like Ike and Tina, it’s best that we’re separated. Generationally divorced, as it were.

Now don’t get me wrong, would it have been cool to see a Tasmanian Tiger or Pig-footed Bandicoot? Sure. And is it sad that they’re gone forever? Yeah, I guess. But I would liken it to when a relative dies: ‘How can we go on without Great Aunt Giant Moa? Even though she couldn’t fly, I remember she could crush a man’s skull with just her beak.’ But you do get over it. Your life (and animal life), rushes on in the great tide of existence.

Extinction keeps the line moving forward. One species dies, a different but similar one fills in, not unlike the two Darrins on ‘Bewitched.’ Dick Sargent wasn’t a better or worse Darrin than Dick York, just different.

Darwin would look at animals like the Himalayan Quail, Golden Bamboo Lemur, and Greater Prairie Chicken and say the herd thins itself out. I would say those animals were the slow, fat kids in The Great Dodgeball Game of Life on Earth.

Before he wiped them out, I wonder if God had a talk with the dinosaurs: ‘Hey guys, listen. This was good while it lasted, but it’s over. It’s not you, it’s me. I’d like to see other creatures. Smaller creatures. One’s that have opposable thumbs and can talk. Creatures who I have more in common with.’

Need another case for extinction? Consider the pandas. Ling Ling or Bling Bling or whatever they call them. They try to get these kids together to continue the species, but the guy panda just sits there like some kind of black and white eunuch bump on a log. ‘Hey, Mr. Bear, what are you, gay? Either screw or get off the planet, my monochromatic friend. Your home country has like six billion people. If you’re just going to sit there and suck your thumb, they could really use the space.’

I’m sure the cutesy names don’t help. If you want the male panda to feel like a male panda, don’t name him Sunshine Buttercup. How emasculating. Name him Roger. Or Mike. Pretty much anything that doesn’t sound like a flavor of herbal tea will work.

Now maybe you’re still sitting there, dumbly holding onto the tattered shreds of your opposing view, still convinced extinction is bad. Well then, Sierra Club Sally, let me pose a word problem to you.

Picture this: you walk out of Starbucks, four dollar frappuccino in hand, when up walks a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Out of nowhere-- BAM, he drops a Hummer-sized dino-turd right in front of you. You spill your drink and as the final insult, just as you’ve managed to blot the coffee from your brand new Ann Taylor sweater, the T. Rex bites you in half and eats you.

Still think extinction is bad? Just ask the still-standing bloody lower torso of the yuppie frappuccino lady for her two cents.

You think about that.

[end ping]

Tussin Fog - [Etcetera]

Did we have a show today or was that an hallucination? Click here to listen to what happened while I was out of it. If you like what you hear, subscribe to the podcast then seek professional help.


Also, be sure to give Gordo major pings for the artwork he did for this post (and last week's show too).

Breakfast In Marlboro Country - [Matthew]

That was supposed to be the name of this story. But I can’t write a story that would warrant that title. Let me explain.

Some months ago, I started getting mail from my friends at Marlboro. And the stuff they’ve sent me, you wouldn’t believe: CDs, a pair of steel dice, a lighter, a deck of playing cards... And best of all, none of it with the Marlboro logo plastered all over it. Not only do they have flavor, they have taste. Here’s a tobacco company that’s going places.

So one day I get an invitation in the mail. R.S.V.P. A breakfast with my fellow smokers. The large full-color brochure showed cowboys cooking up a steak over an open fire. Beside the steak, an egg nested inside a gigantic piece of Texas toast. This was going to be one manly breakfast. Just one problem. I don’t smoke. Never have. I finally deduced that Marlboro got my name from Esquire Magazine, similar to how cops have go-to snitches they can squeeze for info with a little pressure and a few bucks. Marlboro saw I fit their target demo and then started a mail campaign that, had Marlboro been a person and not a company, would have put them in the category of ‘deranged, love-sick stalker.’

I decided to book my trip to Flavor Country and dialed the 800 number to make my breakfast reservation. A nice lady asked me a few questions, but the survey (and my prospects for chow on the Marlboro dime) ended abruptly after one question:

“Are you a smoker?”

No, I answered. I could hear her flipping through her pages of responses before she coldly rattled off an explanation that this offer was reserved only for smokers. What? But I thought we had something. What about the letters and the gifts? Didn’t they mean anything? I was crushed. It was then that she landed the knockout punch:

“We also have to remove you from our mailing list.”

And there it was. My many months of playing hard-to-get had backfired, leaving me with a soft pack full of twenty Class A broken dreams. An exile from Flavor Country.

But then the other day, God finally heard my cries. I open up the mailbox to find a mysterious package. What’s inside, I wondered?

Full color Varga-style posters! Temporary tattoos! Booklets on how to bet in Vegas! Swag galore! Apparently someone from the Camel Cigarette Company heard I was on the rebound.

As I looked at all the cool goodies, I reminisced about Marlboro’s ardent courtship, then shook my head in disgust. Selling cancer and emphysema is one thing, but discriminating against me because I don’t smoke? Well, not in my America. I’m putting Flavor Country to my back and pointing my horse toward Turkey. A place where they accept non-smokers without judging us.

I’m back in the game, baby. I’m back.

[end ping]

Bizarre - [Etcetera]

Matt says this one was the weirdest ever. I don’t know about anybody else, but I had a blast. Take a listen and let us know what you think. Subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss it if it gets weirder.

Abandonment - [Erik]

I'm going to take an emotional dump. Feel free to poke it with a stick and then maybe chase your friends around with the biznass end. Or just ignore it and walk on. Either way, I live for this kind of thing.

I struggle with feelings of abandonment...along with anxiety, anger, arrogance, self-loathing, etc., but one thing at a time.

Abandonment - a·ban·don (-bndn)
tr.v. a·ban·doned, a·ban·don·ing, a·ban·dons

1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.

2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.

3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely. See Synonyms at relinquish.

4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing hiker.

Dictionary definitions fail to communicate the full force of a thing.

Abandonment feels like being a 5 year old who was just dropped off by his parents in the middle of a very large, strange city and then told to go home. It happens when people don't care about you and leave you to fend for yourself with no help or guidance.

It happens in a million-plus ways everyday. Children are left without a father, not because he left town with his mistress, but because he's in the other room watching football or reading theology books and has no time for your video game playing ass. It happens when your christian mom takes you to the edge of faith and then retreats from her angry unbelieving husband leaving a child to defend God...all in the name of submission to God-given authority. We all know that it happens in the church everyday. The pastor talks a good game; you believe him and decide to take a seat and rest…only to have the chair pulled out from underneath you.

And it happens when I care more about me and getting mine (out of fear of abandonment) than I care about loving others. And the beat goes on.

Abandonment is an excellent weapon in the arsenal of evil. It leaves people sheltered and hidden from the world, clamoring for safety in selfish darkness all in the name of never letting history repeat itself.

"I will never be that vulnerable again." Lock your heart in a box and there it will never have to feel again as it grows cold and dies.

But abandonment is also the solution to the great evil of abandonment.

Abandonment - a·ban·don (-bndn)
n.

1. Unbounded enthusiasm; exuberance.

2. A complete surrender of inhibitions.

When we finally get it straight that God is not our parents or our teachers or the church, and we believe that what He says is true...that He loves us without condition or reservation, that He desires to live His holy life through us - His offspring...then we can abandon our selves to the all powerful One who will never abandon us. Then we can live in exuberance unbounded.

You are living in eternity right now. What you do with this matters.

[ping]