Men: An Owner's Manual - [Matthew]

Congratulations on your acquisition a Man™! With proper care, he can provide you with years of enjoyment.

This handy guide will assist you in learning about your Man™. By gaining a better understanding of how he works, you will be able to more fully enjoy him.


THE DRIVES

First and foremost, you should familiarize yourself with your Man™’s drives.

1. Hunger
To keep your Man™ operating smoothly, he must be properly fueled. He runs on 3 to 4 meals per day. He’ll appreciate it when you feed him, but rest assured, he’s fully equipped to prepare these meals on his own power (he may tell you differently). Make sure you monitor his fuel consumption. Many, if not most, models will gravitate toward the two major ‘man’ food groups, namely Macaroni and Cheese. With just a little supervision, you can keep him in perfect working condition.

2. Sex
This drive is perhaps the most integral to what makes your Man™ a Man. When will he want sex? Here’s an easy rule of thumb: Simply check the current time. If the time contains any of the following numbers, your Man™ will desire sex: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.

But beyond recreation and procreation, this drive plays an important role in your Man™’s desire to compete and conquer (see also Testosterone). These words may sound scary, but keep in mind that Men, due largely to their inherent adventurous spirit, have made many useful contributions to our world.

3. Ego
Truth be known, a Man™ is simply a rugged carrying case for something very delicate, the ego. WARNING: Your Man™’s Ego is not something to handle carelessly. Insulting him in front of others, for example, can easily cause significant damage to this drive.


FEATURES

Your Man™ comes loaded with an impressive array of standard features. He’s an excellent problem solver (Note: use caution when telling your Man™ about a relationship problem. As a Problem Solver, he’ll dive in and attempt to fix the rift between you and a girlfriend with the same gusto he uses when fixing a leaky faucet).

Your Man™ also excels in Providing and Protecting, useful features when you and your Man™ decide to have Children (manual unavailable at this time).

You’ll also find he can open troublesome pickle jars in a snap.


MAINTENANCE

Men have a tendency to pull, not to the left or right, but away. The Manufacturer didn’t design them this way, but it has been an inherent flaw as far as anyone can remember. Until there’s a recall, keep in mind your Man™ may have a tendency to:

- avoid confrontation / conflict
- deceive or mislead
- use his power to leave to hurt you
- not want to turn over on cold mornings


FINAL NOTES

Also, keep in mind that every Man™, no matter how new-looking, is pre-owned. As such, he has hidden damage that unfortunately won’t surface until many miles down the road.

Usually, these rough spots can be worked out with a liberal application of Understanding, Patience, and Love. Regarding Love, be sure to use the Unconditional variety. You will find Conditional Love is less expensive, but will greatly shorten quality of the time you share with your Man™.

By following these basic guidelines, you should find that your Man™ contributes significantly to a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment.


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