Running Man - [Matthew]

Yeah, that’s right. I’m throwing my hat in the ring.

And because I have no political acumen, I’m going to tell you right now exactly what I believe and what I’ll do once elected.

Disease Research
From bird flu to disco fever, it’s time to find cures for the epidemics that threaten to wipe us out. We do this by better using our country’s intellectual capital, for example, taking the R&D team that brought us the automatic feed paper towel dispenser at restaurants and repurposing them. We pull them aside and simply say ‘fellas, congratulations. You have reached the zenith in the field of public restroom paper towel distribution. Now your country needs you for another important task.’

Border Security
I have a solution that will hermetically seal our Mexican border for mere pennies. We simply take the material they use to seal new DVDs and CDs and wrap that stuff across the border, from Tijuana to Brownsville. As you well know, it’s absolutely impossible to get into. Problem solved.

Humanitarian Aid
I believe third world countries are held down, not by lack of international compassion or generosity, but by corruption within their governments. That’s why my blueprint for relief goes like this: a meal for every child, a house for every family, and a bullet for every despot. Seriously, the bullet part will only cost a few cents. For the cost-to-benefit ratio, it can’t be beat.

Terror
There is a real evil at work in our world today. These sub-humans take what little power they have and leverage it to instill fear and inflict suffering on honest, hardworking Americans.

But enough about homeowners’ associations.

When it comes to terrorists, I firmly support using torture to extract vital information. We start simple, then slowly work our way up as needed to the more brutal torture techniques like ‘Spin The Bottle with Rosie O’Donnell.’

Patriotism
Under my administration, in addition to our pledge of allegiance, we will adopt a national gang sign. There’s nothing like throwing up a gang sign to one of your homies as you pass, maybe tossing in a little upward head nod as if to say ‘Wassup, playa.’ Now every citizen will be able to enjoy this instant connection and camaraderie.

Minorities
Now, you might be thinking ‘Matthew, you’re a quasi-middle class white male. What can you know of the plight of minorities?’ My friends, I was a virgin until my wedding day, so I know full well about the hardships of growing up as a minority.

So on Election Day, when you step into the booth, I want you to look at your ballot. You read those names, and you find the one that, in your heart of hearts, you know can truly effect positive change for our country. Then, just below that candidate’s name, write in ‘Matthew Porter.’

Goodnight, and may God bless America.

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