Dreams - [Etcetera]

Here's this week's show. Click here to listen.

Click here for the podcast.

The Tangled Web We Weave - [Matthew]

I had an idea recently: maybe we should use some popular internet search keywords to draw more visitors to [ping]. But, I wondered, is that really the right thing to do? Would it be misleading?

It was then that I simply asked myself "what would Britney Spears, Anna Kournikova, or a group of hot cheerleaders do?" It’s really not as difficult a decision as say, choosing between Cialis® or Viagra®. I mean, once people hear the show, they’re usually excited, as excited as one would be if when they discovered an easy way to get rich quick or lose 15 pounds in 24 hours.

But in the end, I decided to not let my naked ambition get the better of me. I vowed to draw new visitors to [ping] the old fashioned way, by creating entertaining and uplifting content that enriched their lives... and then, once they were enriched, give those visitors free beer, 5% fixed home loans, $50 airline tickets to anywhere in the Continental U.S., discounted Rolexes, the secrets of winning at online poker, and free software.

Oh yeah, and championship albino midget wrestling.



[end ping]

O Canada - [Etcetera]

It was a big day for us here at Etcetera. Matt from Canada and his wife Angela joined us in the studio.

Little did we know, what we thought was a friendly visit from a Canadian friend was actually part of an invasion from our neighbors to the north. Click here to witness the carnage of Operation Maple Dip. (Even the artwork for this post was provided by a Canadian)

In honor of the occasion, we have a special deal for our Canadian listeners. All Canadians are now able to subscribe to the podcast for free. Click here to take advantage of this incredible offer.

Mini-Me's World Tour (Thailand) - [F'ing Andrew]

Mini-Me is just getting started, having only checked into the Juniper Tree Resort yesterday. More to follow. :-) Unfortunately jet lag is hitting me pretty hard tonight so I won't be able to stay awake and listen to the live stream at midnight but I would if I could. Can't wait to download the podcast later.

Mini-Me's World Tour (Panama and Hollywood) - [Erik]

In case you missed the last leg of the tour, check out the pics of Mini-Me in Panama and Hollywood.

The kids dig him...
I'm not sure he has a license for that...
Is that an EVIL container ship?
He must have got the short genes in the family...
Not so mini now, eh?
My best pal Jimi...
My other best pal John...
Who is this guy again?
Public transportation...
Skateboarding trick gone bad...

This leg of the Mini-Me World Tour was brought to you by Patrick Pitts.

The Drunken Leprechaun's Ode to Beer - [Matthew]

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I don't think so.

I believe there is an international consortium of leaders, owners of major companies that manufacture adult beverages. This group secretly convenes each year to create 'holidays' which exist solely as an excuse for people to get hammered.

Doubt me? Consider these three points...

1. Mardi Gras
2. St. Patrick's Day
3. Cinco de Mayo

Seriously, these are not normal holidays. Halloween, you trick or treat. Thanksgiving, you eat until you pass out. Christmas, you go into debt. These are respectable holidays.

Aw, who cares? Here's a poem for you to help celebrate St. Patty's Day:


The Drunken Leprechaun's Ode to Beer

Oh glorious beer, Oh frothy pint
With body gold and head so white
Please don’t make me pick a fight
And help me be witty on Ladies’ Night

Oh glorious beer, ‘neath heavenly foam
Don’t let me pass out too far from home
And if I am rude as I drunkenly roam
Don’t let them harm this wee beer-buzzed gnome

Oh glorious beer, Oh frothy pint
Bestow on me thine amber light
Give me slurred speech and blurry sight
I know I’ll hug the toilet tonight


Slainte!

[end ping]

Llloook Maaan - [Etcetera]

What time is it? Fun Spot. The clock on the wall says it's time for Etcetera. Fun Spot. Today's show was thoroughly good. Fun Spot. Come down here. Fun Spot. I mean seriously, get this show. Fun Spot. It's better than cupping.

Also, Fun Spot subscribe to the podcast here.

And did I mention, the show has a sponsor now. Click here to check out the Fun Spot. When you get all sexcited and want to come to Orlando to go to the Fun Spot, send me an email at erik@stevebrownetc.com and I'll set you up with half-price one day passes.

Matthew's Back - [Matthew]

Yesterday a diminutive Russian woman named Elena poked surgically sharp needles into me, then left my back tattooed with bruises. It was the most relaxing experience of my life.

I've been researching spas for an article I'm writing for one of my magazine clients. The article focuses on unusual, exotic, expensive, and unique treatments. Now, I am a non-recovering experience junkie, so when the lady at the spa I called said ‘why don’t you come in and try it’, I was there before she had finished her sentence.

At the spa I met Elena, a 5’ tall 50-something woman from Russia. When I mentioned I had visited her homeland last year, she was in no small way pleased, even more so that I visited a completely non-tourist city (“Samara, that’s the real Russia”).

I filled out a form with a long list of general medical questions. Then we talked. I explained that I hoped she could make my back feel better. After a mountain biking incident eight years ago, I wake up each morning with my lower back very tight.

Elena was a sweet woman who sincerely believed in her practice, but the Q + A was pure hippy, new age wellness drivel…

“In what season of the year are you happiest?”

“Well, Elena, to tell you the truth, I never gave it much thought.”

We chatted for a little while longer before she arrived at her conclusions:

1. I need to drink more water (what’s the Russian word for ‘duh’?)
2. I spend a lot of time at the computer, which isn’t good for my back (I actually never put the two together, but it makes sense).
3. I should eat better (hmmm, what tipped you off? Was it my increasingly Poppin’ Fresh profile or my nametag that reads ‘Chubby McBackFat’?)

After this enlightening exchange, it was time for less jokin’ and more pokin’. She said she would do acupuncture and if I liked, something called ‘cupping’, which for some reason sounds dirty, but isn’t.

In my skivvies, towel draped over me, I lay face down on the table.

She put oil (or lotion or Pam™ or something, I don’t know, I couldn’t see anything) on my back, then set fire to a small glass cup and quickly clapped it down onto my soft, white hide. After the fire goes out, the lack of oxygen in the cup sucks up the skin. Kind of a big hickey. She placed a dozen of these things all along both sides of my spine.

According to Elena, the idea is to create ‘microtrauma’ in the areas of concern. The blood travels to that site and reinvigorates it. Or something. I can tell you there was nothing ‘micro’ about the trauma (stay tuned).

Then it was time for the big show. Acupuncture.

Now, there are two types of needles, Japanese and Chinese. Here’s the difference in layman’s terms:

Japanese = smaller needle = less hurt
Chinese = bigger needle = more hurt

Elena hit me with an array of Japanese needles, which I could hardly feel, then asked if I wanted to try the Chinese. Yeah, I felt those Chinese needles. She put the first one near my Achilles’ tendon, then asked what kind I preferred. I said ‘stay with those chopsticks you’re using.’ Did it hurt? A little, but criminy, if you’re going to do something, do it.

Before it was over, I had needles in my arms, wrists, legs, ankles, top of my head, ears, base of my neck, and right between my eyebrows (to invigorate my chi or prevent monobrow, I don’t know).

Next, Elena removed the needles and all but one cup. Then she worked that sucky cup all over my back. She finished up with a variety of massage and stretching stuff. It went for an hour or more, but as Elena explained ‘You been to Russia, I treat you like prince.’ I even got to dip into my Russian language skills to say ‘Спасибо, Elena.’ (“thank you”) before saying goodbye (“до свидания”).

My back felt like a million rubles, but then I got home and checked Elena’s work: that Red had turned my back black and blue (see pics below, if you dare). My wife’s jaw dropped.

She asked what happened and I told her the truth: Well, today I went to this place on the other side of town, met this strange lady, shucked down to my underpants, and let her torture me for an hour.

Then finally, bravely, she asked the most important question of all: “Huh. So, what do you want for dinner?”

I love my wife. She’s the one who gives me strength when my back is up against the wall. Or just being peppered with needles by short Russian women.

[end ping]

Graced Again...Again - [Erik]

This is from today's Graced Again.

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their…service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break through to fellowship does not occur, because though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among them. So we remain alone with our sin, living lies and hypocrisy. The fact is we are sinners. But it is the grace of the Gospel, which is so hard for the pious to understand, that it confronts us with the truth and says: You are a sinner, a great desperate sinner; now come as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you…He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. God has come to save the sinner.”

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Everything In Its Right Place - [Etcetera]

You know those moments where everything just comes together? A friend makes the perfect comment, and then you have the most excellent, appropriate reply, like if you took an extra hundred years, you'd still say the same thing? Kind of like this nexus of conversational perfection? Yeah...that definitely wasn't our show today.

But what we did have was still pretty good, including the much anticipated return of News from the Nerdiverse. Click here to listen.

Click here to subscribe to the podcast.

Ssmmorgan - [Etcetera]

Ha. Alright-ta. Ha.

Today's show...Get it-ta!

Come on now. Do it. Get it.

The podcast...Do it-ta!

Come on. Hit it-ta! Ooo yeah.

Unity (Part 2) - [Erik]

Sara looked over at Mike. He saw her, but kept staring at the road ahead. They’d been driving for half an hour without speaking a word to each other.

Sara couldn’t take it anymore and broke the silence, “I’m glad we have some time alone.” Her tone begged Mike to respond in kind.

Mike glanced at his wife and forced a smile. He said, “Me too” and then went back to staring.

A few minutes passed.

Mike thought about the voice and he thought about telling Sara. He took a deep breath and held it for a second. As he did, his cheeks puffed out like a trumpet player. Then he let the air out through his nearly closed lips with enough force to blow up a balloon.

Sara looked over at Mike again, “So what’s the plan? Where are we going?”

“Like I said, I thought we could just go for a drive. You know…drive and talk.”

Sara let out a frustrated laugh, “Alright, let’s talk. You start.”

“Sara, I really don’t know how to tell you. I have something. Look…do you promise to take me seriously here?” Mike’s voice shook, “Something wonderful has happened and I want to share it with you.”

Sara was startled by Mike’s sudden desire to talk. Months of arguing about not spending enough time at home and the days with barely any talking at all seemed about to end.

“Sure. Well…I could use ‘wonderful.’” Her words assured Mike that everything was going to be alright, but Sara was scared.

Mike got excited, “Okay, I can’t really explain it in a way that you will understand, so I’m going to have to show you.”

“Show me? Where are we going? What are you going to show me?”

“I told you, we’re just going for a drive.” Mike sighed. He reached for Sara’s hand then continued, “Just listen.”

Mike’s sweaty hand didn’t help to calm Sara, but she agreed, “Alright. I’m listening.”

Mike hesitantly reached for the radio, turned it on, and static filled the car. He raised his voice above the noise, “We’re gonna have to wait a bit. I’m not sure how long…sometimes an hour, sometimes just a few minutes.”

Sara squinted. “I thought you didn’t want to listen to the radio.”

“I know. I don’t. I’m not listening to the radio, it’s static. Just trust me. It’ll all make sense. Listen to it.”

Sara’s heart pounded. She listened for about a minute. The static was unnerving. She rubbed her forehead and thought to herself, this is the perfect soundtrack to the last few months. I can’t take this.

“Mike, I don’t like this. You’re scaring me. What the hell is going on? I want to help you. I know you’ve been going through something, but I’m not going to drive around listening to static with you while you tell me that somehow this is going to make sense. Pull over. I don’t want to do this.”

“Babe, just listen.”

Sara cut him off, “No. I’m not going to listen. Pull over.”

“Babe.”

“Pull over Mike.”

“Alright, but you have to listen okay?”

Mike pulled off the road and parked by a playground.

“Now turn this off.” Sara reached for the radio.

Mike grabbed her wrist. He grabbed hard. “Don’t. You have to listen. I’m serious. You have to hear it.”

“Let go.” Sara started to cry. “You’re hurting me. Let go.” She opened her door and moved to get out but couldn’t break free of Mike’s grasp.

The static stopped. Sara didn’t notice. Mike did.

Then the voice spoke, “Sara.”

Mike’s eye’s got wide. He let go of Sara and shouted, “There he is. Did you hear it? He said your name. He said your name. Listen, he’s going to talk to you too.”

Sara fell out of the car and stumbled to her feat. She screamed at the open door, “What’s gotten into you? You’re acting crazy?”

The voice spoke again, “Sara.”

Mike leaned across the center console of the car and caught Sara’s eyes, “See. There he is. He’s been speaking to me too. It’s wonderful Sara. Listen to him. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“What are you talking about Mike?”

“The voice…I’m talking about the voice. Tell her. Listen, he’ll tell you. Please. I’m sorry I grabbed you. Please, come closer. Listen. Sara. Listen.”

Sara didn’t move.

The voice spoke, “Sara. Please listen. Mike needs you.”

“What is that Mike? What are you doing?”

“Mike’s not doing anything Sara, except trying to tell you the truth.”

“How are you doing that Mike?”

“I’m not doing it Sara. This is what I wanted to show you. Don’t be afraid. Listen to him. Everything will make sense if you just listen.”

Sara’s curiosity bested her fear for just a second. She took a step toward the car and leaned in. There was a strange stillness.

A moment passed.

As Sara listened, it was as if the volume was turned up on the sound of kids playing and wind dancing in the trees.

Then the voice spoke, “Unity is the key…oneness. Do you understand?”

Sara took a deep breath. As she did, her jaw quivered and tears filled her eyes. She did understand. It wasn’t the first time she’d heard those words. But now they were coming from a voice in the car radio. It was one of the most beautiful, calming sounds she’d ever heard. And she knew, looking over at Mike with a giant grin on his face, she knew that everything was going to be alright.

Sara’s legs weakened. She fell to her knees and said, “Yes. I understand. Tell me more.”